Contributed by Laura Dukes Beck, Esq. ​

​Grief is so difficult, and this time of year can be the hardest of all. It is hard to put on a brave face for your children and family. It is hard to keep up with old traditions that just aren’t the same since your loss occurred. It is dang hard to put the ornaments on the Christmas tree- each one a walk down memory lane. It’s hard to cut yourself some slack and to remember that it is perfectly normal to feel sorrow, pain, loss, grief. So how do you make it through this season without spiraling down on the never ending spiral of grief?
 
Let me start by saying, I am not a mental health professional. If you find yourself in over your head, having trouble slogging through the most basic of life responsibilities, or worse, please contact a therapist/ your doctor for medical support. Know that you are not alone.
 
What I am is a survivor of loss. More specifically, a widow…. My husband died. It has been over a decade now. My children were very young at the time, and now they are teenagers. I will probably write another blog post specifically about that loss, but for this post, I want to focus on holiday grief and getting through.
 
The first year after my husband died, I decided the last place I wanted to be was in our hometown. I packed everyone up- my kids, my parents, all of the toys for under the Christmas tree in a bin on top of the minivan- and we went to Disney. A friend of a friend set up a Magic Moment for my oldest child, who got to meet a whole cast of the Disney characters. My children didn’t really know how special it was that Santa said hello to them as part of the big parade, but I did. It still brings tears to my eyes to think of other people’s kindness during my times of crisis. So much of that first year is a blur, but what was most important to me during that first holiday season was starting to make new memories with my children and family. I tell you this because it is ok to want to escape some. You can pick up and go somewhere else for the major holidays. Start making new stories for yourself.
 
Sometimes we try to do the old traditions…. The Beck family always had a big, festive Christmas Eve lunch. Last year, I asked my kids to invite their best friends, and I invited my oldest, best friend, and we all had lunch together. So I am taking the tradition and making it new. It is still a touchpoint in our lives, and we are honoring what used to be, while claiming it for our own. This year will be even more different, as the pandemic will force all of us into new and different ways to mark the holiday season. It is a chance for a fresh start of new traditions, culling the traditions that don’t meet your needs, and remembering what is most important.
 
I also only push myself as hard as I can with some things. This year, the decorations aren’t all up- I just couldn’t face the bride ornament, or the fragile German glass ornaments people gave us for our wedding. For a while, I put away my husband’s favorite ornaments. I do try to tell the kids stories about their dad, and sometimes the ornaments have helped with that. And now my surfer loves all of the surfing Santas that their dad collected. I definitely don’t love to decorate like I used to, and I can’t seem to set aside the stuff that brings me sorrow (like the Bride ornament). Time has made some of this easier, but not all of it.
 
Maybe that is part of my lesson.... Time makes some of this easier, but not all of it.
 
I think all of us have someone we grieve over the holiday season, especially this year with the COVID pandemic. Everyone has experienced some sort of loss, if not through death, through divorce, estrangement, neglect of relationships that were important yet faded away. The trick is not letting it take over, to keep the memories in their place. Honor them, but don’t let them control you. Give yourself the space and time to remember- go for a walk, light a candle, take a moment to cry and scream in your car. Whatever healthy coping strategy you use is a good one. Above all, reach out to the support system you have so that they can help you through the holidays. I wish each of you a holiday season where you can find moments of joy, even through the sorrow. Love and light, and may 2021 bring all of us comfort.

Contributed by Laura Dukes Beck, Esq. 

​At some point during your career, chances are you will get a phone call from a friend or friend-of-a-friend who needs help with a bond hearing. “But I don’t practice criminal law!” you think. Depending on the severity of the charge, you may want to go ahead and refer the person to someone who does. But, if the charge is a magistrate or municipal level offense, you should be able to handle a basic bond hearing, especially if it is too late to find someone else to refer your friend to for help. Only agree to help for the bond hearing, however. Anything beyond that, send the person to a criminal attorney. Bond hearings must be held within 24 hours of arrest. Also, remind the person you are going to speak on their behalf, that the hearings are recorded and can be used against them, so they should not say anything expressing remorse or apology or otherwise incriminating themselves. A trial is for another day, so do not go into a recitation of facts, guilt, or innocence- this is just to determine the requirements and conditions for being released on bond. If you do decide to represent the defendant remember to limit your appearance to the bond hearing, and make sure they are aware they have ten days to request a preliminary hearing if applicable, so they need to find criminal counsel as soon as possible.
 
When appearing before the Magistrate who sets bond, bear in mind the two main issues the Judge is considering are flight risk and danger to the community. Present basic information to the Judge concerning those two issues. (See South Carolina Constitution, Article 1, § 15 and S.C. Code Ann. § 17-15-10 et seq.)
 
On flight risk, the Judge wants to know: How long has the person lived in the area? Do they own or rent their home? How long have they lived in their home? What family lives in the area? Do they have minor children or other family members they help care for? Do they have a job? How long have they had that job? What is their level of education? Are there mental health or other issues? Is the person an alien or a US citizen? Focus on their ties to the community, and any other information you can give that shows the person is not a flight risk. Of importance is to ask the person if they have any failures to appear for court in the past- whether that is in traffic court (including failure to pay tickets), family court, or criminal court. Do they have any trials held in absentia? You may not have access to an NCIC report, otherwise known as a rap sheet, but it is a good idea to have the discussion with the person so that if law enforcement or the Solicitor offers a history of flight or failure to appear you can address it. Also remember from law school, some charges show flight risk, like failure to stop for blue lights. Try to give the Judge as deep a dive as possible as succinctly as possible as to why the person’s local ties offset any flight risk. Some Judges like to hear of community involvement and religious affiliation, and some Judges may have additional questions they will ask. Be ready by asking as many pertinent things you can of your client.
 
On danger to the community, it is especially important if you are asked to help someone whom you know has a history of General Sessions charges that you refer this person to a criminal lawyer. Pending charges are considered, as well as any convictions, by the Judge when looking at danger to the community. What is the person charged with now? If, for example, the person is charged with DUI- do they have any prior DUIs or DUACS? Was there an accident, and were there injuries? What is the status of those injuries now? Not all arrest warrants are served immediately; how much time has passed, and has the person been in trouble in the interim? Is the person on probation or parole? Are there other steps that can be taken that you can put on the record that may offset danger to the community, for example: getting the person admitted to rehab, seeking drug or alcohol evaluations or mental health evaluations and assistance, or turning over weapons that are in the home to other family members or counsel. If it is a crime with a victim, go ahead and offer to agree to a no-contact order, where the defendant may not contact the victim, or have anyone else contact the victim, unless the contact is made by the defendant’s lawyer, a police officer, or a judge. Restitution, if an issue, can be handled later by a lawyer. You can also stipulate to a “do not return” order by the court- where the defendant does not go back to the location of the alleged incident.
 
In Charleston County, we have a Pretrial Services Report prepared by the Criminal Justice Coordinating Council which evaluates defendants on a scale of 1-4, with 1 being the lowest risk of failure to appear or re-arrest in the future and 4 being the highest. Take a look at this report, which should be available to you by asking the Bond Court Clerks for it, as it has important information on past criminal history and failures to appear. It isn’t a rap sheet, but it will help you ask the Judge for a reasonable bond.
 
So what is a reasonable bond? Listen to what law enforcement and/or the Solicitor’s Office say in their presentations- have they asked for a surety, a high surety, or did they say a personal recognizance (PR) bond is acceptable? If you are not a criminal lawyer, you honestly should be representing folks who should get a PR bond. The South Carolina Constitution requires all bonds to start as PR bonds; they become surety bonds based on flight risk and danger to the community. There is a chance you may have a client who will be required to pay for a surety bond to be released. Maybe you did not know the extent of your person’s history, and you end up facing a request for a surety. Remember that the point is to get the defendant to appear at their next court hearing and to keep the community safe. Perhaps a high PR is a good enough carrot and stick to get them to do so- you can ask for that. Or maybe financial resources only permit your client to afford a low surety. Either one can be requested by you at the hearing, if circumstances are not as cut and dry as you thought they were when you agreed to the bond hearing representation. Currently in South Carolina, bondsmen require somewhere between one and ten percent down to stand on a defendant’s behalf. If the defendant has ten percent of the bond amount available in cash, you can also ask the court to allow this ten percent cash bond to be posted with the Clerk of Court’s office. The Bond Court Clerks can walk you through this process. Another option is home detention- where the defendant may only leave home for work, medical and legal appointments, school, and religious services (or whatever else the judge permits.) Ankle monitors, which are an additional expense, must be tied to a surety bond and bonding company that has the ability to monitor the ankle monitor, so do not necessarily ask for or agree to this if it will be a burden on your client. Judges can issue home detention conditions without an ankle monitor.
 
Also be aware there is a list of “no-bond” offenses, where the Magistrate either does not have jurisdiction to set bond, or the Magistrate has the discretion not to set bond, and thus refers the case on to a Circuit Court Judge to set bond within thirty days. These are very serious offenses, and even without a criminal past defendants are considered a danger to the community. If your friend or friend-of-friend is charged with one of these offenses, get them a criminal lawyer; do not take them on as a client. 
​(See https://www.sccourts.org/summaryCourtBenchBook/MemosHTML/2015-12.htm for a complete list.)
 
This is a starting point for what to present at a bond hearing on behalf of a defendant, not an all-inclusive list of considerations. Every Magistrate setting bond is slightly different, of course, and has a slightly different take on how they weigh information and what is important to them in their determination. And every person charged with a crime has a slightly different story. This will help you decide whether you can represent that friend who calls at 2:00 AM, or if you should send them on to the experienced criminal lawyer who can help them into the future.

Contributed by Holly R. Jensen, Esq.

​I’m that woman - you know, the one you love to hate. And the reasons why you love me are also the very reasons you hate me: I’m driven, focused, smart, and determined. I have accomplished a great deal in life due to my ability to work harder and longer than most others, and by all measures, I’ve enjoyed much professional success.
 
But that success came at a cost, and I did not understand that my methods were a recipe for physical and emotional disaster until it was almost too late. I have worked through several periods of extreme burnout in my 22-year law career. I kept telling myself that it was OK, that everyone goes through this, and if I just kept showing up, it would eventually go away. And it did, or so I thought.
 
Unbeknownst to me, my body was hanging on to all that stress and burnout, even while I convinced myself I was fine. And in one fell swoop, my body revolted. I mean, I crashed and burned HARD. I developed several really awful autoimmune diseases that made it impossible for me to sit at my desk, made it impossible for me to focus, made it impossible for me to carry out even basic daily functions. I descended into depression coupled with an impenetrable brain fog as my body marshaled its resources to fight itself. Many days I could not even string a sentence together coherently - the words just would not come. It felt like a civil war was being waged under my surface, and my brain was off floating around somewhere, completely disconnected from the work we were supposed to be doing.
 
At my core, I felt like I was on the brink of a monumental mistake. I didn’t know what form it would take - maybe I’d get in a car wreck, maybe I’d misstep and injure myself, but more likely, it felt like I was going to make an irretrievable mistake on a client file and lose my law license. Now I’d added a healthy dose of fear to the rest of the stress swirling around in my body. And I lost faith in what has always been my greatest weapon and ally - my brain.
 
So I decided to stop. Just stop. I needed to get off the merry-go-round and heal myself if at all possible, and the only way to do it was to shut off the stress spigot. I wasn’t doing any good to anyone by going through life at 15% max power. But how to do it? Now that was the question.
 
The answer was simple - I had to relinquish control. Oof. For a long time, I tried to come up with a plan to get better while keeping control, but each variation of those thoughts kept me in the chair, kept me at my desk, and kept me an indentured servant to everyone else=s emergencies. I needed to pay attention to my own emergency, so I finally embraced the idea that the control was the thing that needed to go.
 
I’m not gonna lie - it took me 3 years to pull the trigger. Not for lack of trying - it just takes a long time to implement a year off when you’re a solo practitioner. I needed my firm to survive so that my staff and I could all keep earning a living, but if I shuttered for a year, that wouldn’t happen. I made the decision to hire another attorney and speed-train them to take over for me. That ended up being a three-year process, mostly because the first attorney I hired only lasted a year, which set me back a bit. I was already soooooo done when I had to start over with training another new attorney. That was the point at which I almost cracked for real.

I got sick in 2013. I barely remember that year. I came back to life somewhat by 2014, and by 2015 had decided on this radical change. I took my sabbatical in 2019. Like most things I do, I approached the sabbatical with ridiculous focus and a list of Ame projects@ that I wanted to accomplish. So much for my original idea of doing nothing for a year! I should have known better than to expect I could turn off the routine of going to work every day, and make that full mental shift between me clocking out at 5pm on 12/31/18 and waking up at 8am on 1/1/19. I laugh now that I gave myself a whole 15 hours to adjust. Needless to say, it took a bit longer than that.
 
Here’s what my sabbatical taught me:
 
1) It takes a long time to undo the physical damage that stress does to the body and brain.
2) I never want to sit at a desk and computer full-time again.
3) I have some artistic talent I never really embraced or explored before.
4) It took about 4 months to become disconnected from the calendar to the point where I stopped knowing what day it was.
5) It took about a week to start waking up later.
6) It took about 3 months to start going to bed later.
7) I napped almost every day for the first 6 months.
8) Hot flashes will f**k up your sleep whether you’re working or not.
9) My instincts were right and I should trust them more.
10) The time I was able to spend with my elderly parents during the twilight of their lives can never be taken away from me.
 
I’m still that same driven, focused person. But I had to adopt a mind shift that said I was worthy of all that drive and all that focus - that it was okay to direct all of it inward and to engage in radical self-care. In the final analysis, that’s the biggest lesson of my sabbatical – it’s OK to unplug, it’s OK to indulge, and it’s OK to be kind to myself and forgive myself for many past actions that I now view as missteps. I am so happy to have the greater clarity that a wider perspective brings. My focus was so narrow that I was missing the forest for the trees, and now I see not only the trees, but all the branches and leaves on each one.
 
Final thought: It’s as simple as giving ourselves permission to put ourselves first for a while and ignore not only everyone else’s expectations, but also our own inner critic. I fired my critic in 2019. And in case you’re wondering, I’m working again, putting in about 6-8 hours per week. It’s all I can manage, and guess what? It’s enough. I’m enough. We’re all enough.

Authored by Dr. Amy Wood, PsyD
​

Life balance is a goal many women attorneys strive toward without a solid grasp of its meaning.   Popular misconceptions are that it’s about juggling multiple responsibilities with exacting finesse or having personal and professional lives equally weighted like a yin-yang symbol.
 
This black and white understanding of life balance used to be largely attainable when work and home lives really were distinct and clear.   But that once-indelible line between home and the office is blurry in a world where technology allows us to be accessible around the clock from anywhere.
 
The truth is that life balance is an ancient definition of success that is reached when a resonant outer life nurtures a vital inner life.  Way, way back in simpler times, the idea was to invest money in personal surroundings expressly designed to rouse pleasing thoughts and feelings integral to overall fulfillment and productivity. 
 
The original American ideal was to put earnings towards beautifying the home and garden, creating a sanctuary in which passions, relationships, and inspirations could flourish.    Balance was possible when you enveloped yourself with a customized balm of intellectual, emotional, and social stimulation necessary to rejuvenate from daily pressures and keep evolving at a satisfying – not exhausting -- clip. 
 
Most Americans – it’s not just women attorneys -- don’t experience true life balance anymore because our outer environments are distracting and noisy and pull us away from -- rather than enrich -- ourselves.    We are so swept away by external directives – Respond to this signal!  Read that text message!  Keep up with it all or you will be left behind! – that we are downright depleted internally.  
 
To bring life balance back in the way it was initially intended, we must give up the crazy notion that every outside call beckoning for our attention is worthy of our response.  We need to see that trying to be in command by flexing to an ever-multiplying flow of information is a sure way to feel off-kilter.  Regaining our equilibrium requires taking from “out there” only what we know deep down will serve and sustain us.
 
The more you cultivate your inner world in ways that feel fortifying and right, the more likely you are to feel balanced.  And when you have real life balance, you feel grounded, curious, connected, confident in your inner wisdom, and fully alive – and much more able to thrive in an external world that will never be balanced no matter what you do.
 
You can experience the exquisite centeredness of genuine life balance by practicing the spirit of these stabilizing suggestions:

• Take an honest look at the settings you spend most of your time in – bedroom, office, yard, living room, car – and get rid of everything in those contexts that does not in some way serve a real purpose or bring value to your life.  If it’s not totally essential or absolutely meaningful, it is distracting clutter that must go.
• Wake up your senses with fresh flowers on your desk, exotic foods cooking in your kitchen, compelling art on your walls, or stirring music in the background.
• Provoke refreshing thoughts by reading imaginative books, listening to irreverent podcasts, or enjoying movies that you wouldn’t ordinarily choose.
• Get better acquainted with your inner callings by walking alone in nature, or tossing your calendar for a day and letting your gut navigate.
• Make face-to-face dates – coffee, dinner, at your home or theirs – with people whose company brings you the most joy and comfort.
• Enliven your perspective by immersing yourself in contrasting backdrops – city grit if you’re usually in the country, the steamy tropics if you’re tired of snow.
• Replenish your brain by routinely shutting down all your gadgets and bathing your mind in restorative silence.

 
As you pursue true life balance, the most important question to consider is what kind of atmosphere will keep you lawyering and living at your best.  Navigating the constant cacophony of modern life takes a clear, calm head – and if you put your focus on fostering that kind of equilibrium with well-suited circumstances, you will always be up for the challenge. 

                                                                                                     Authored by Tiffany N. Provence, Esq. 

My Legal BFF is excited to announce that we have approval from the South Carolina Bar Association to offer a Mental Health / Substance Abuse hour to our members by webinar. The CLE, entitled The True Meaning of Work/Life Balance and How to Create It, will be presented by Psychologist Amy Wood. Amy trains and coaches attorneys nationally to reach greater levels of achievement and fulfillment.  She created the research-based attorney wellness system Law and the Good Life, is the author of Life Your Way: Refresh Your Approach to Success and Breathe Easier in a Fast-paced World, and is often called on for her expert opinion by media ranging from Maine Public Radio to Parade Magazine.   

Here is her synopsis of what you can expect: 

Work/life balance is an over-used term that isn’t possible — unless we know what work/life balance really means.  This webinar will highlight how women attorneys cause stress by aspiring to false definitions of work/life balance, ultimately damaging their mental health as they cope destructively with that stress.  Attorneys will learn what work/life balance really is, how to achieve it, and, most importantly, how to sustain it for greater productivity and satisfaction. 

As a result of attending, participants will be able to:

• Identify triggers and stressors unique to the legal profession (specifically females).
• Recognize addictive habits – eating, spending, drinking too much or worse – resulting from the stress of work/life balance goals that are overwhelming and unreasonable.
• Establish manageable work/life balance goals that encourage smart habits and improved mental health.
• Cultivate conditions at home and work to promote true work/life balance and better mental health.
• Approach work (and life) with increased energy, enthusiasm and efficiency.
• Be more internally centered and grounded – no matter what is happening externally.
• Assess the need for professional assistance in nurturing healthier behavior aligned with attainable work/life balance.

 
We look forward to having everyone join us. Please save the date of November 21, 2019 at 2:00 PM EST. To receive the registration information, please make sure you have registered with My Legal BFF HERE.